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Moments of clarity and the times of confusion
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in robertmm's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 26th, 2009
6:50 pm
Taking more time to rant.
People that use the term "realist". Its just an egocentric attitude saying that "well, you don't see things the way I do and therefore your naive" or "your head is in the clouds where as I can see that *insert blunt truth you already knew here* is how things really are. I'm a realist. No your a dick with an elitist attitude.

All the media hypocrites who made fun of MJ to the point of absurdity and overkill and are now all teary eyed and sad now that he's gone. We all know how messed up he was and that he needed help. And at the same time he has given us a legendary roster of songs for the ages. But I guess that's just how selfish some people are. TV loves to burn you at the stake while your alive, and then do tribute specials and made for tv movies starring Jamie Foxx after he's dead mourning his loss talking about his iconic status and how much they loved him. He is not a role model, he has not always set a positive example, but he is a gifted talent of the ages. Paint the picture the way its supposed to look.

Me and Jasmine talked about transformers and after thinking about it she was right. The worst example of a stereotype I have ever seen (besides jar jar) has manifested itself into autobots or "sambots" as my friend called them. Was it really necessary to put a gold toothed, ebonics speaking autobot in the story who acted ghetto walking around goofy talking about whippin ass? And the lesson: Racism will always be here even if partially postponed by a black president.

Current Mood: moody
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
10:02 am
I give up.
I am sick of this bullshit. I have had a golds gym membership fee that is supposed to come out of my account for 35 dollars. My account had nothing in it so I borrowed 75 dollars from my sister to cover it and other expenses. But in order to get it in on time I had to do a wire transfer. I lost half of what she sent because I got charged 20 on usaa's end and 15 on suntrust's. Now all I have to do is let it sit till friday when I get paid. Then the worst freakin luck happens to me! A goddamn 20 dollar cab I paid for 2 weeks ago pops up on my account again!! So now if I get hit with golds gym I will still be charged the overdraft fee which means I may wind up paying more money to prevent it than I would just not doing anything. I am extremely heated and HATE all banks. I hate banks, I hate credit cards, I hate any instituion that can do this to people. If bank of america goes down like merril lynch you will not see any swelling in my eyes.

Current Mood: pissed off
Monday, January 26th, 2009
10:34 am
Tales from the commuter crypt.
You are just in time. Gather around and I will tell you a ghoulishly horrifying story of stupidity and annoyance! Muahaahahah! .....ok anyway.

Once I got up this morning I was energized. I had saved money from the weekend and had a good starting stash in my savings. I was determined to have a positive and productive day. It wouldn't last long.

So of my own fault I didn't leave in time to make my bus. No problem. Mike drops me off at the train station so I can catch my silver bus to work. Its a very precise timing cause if the train is late then I miss it and I understand. Not only do we hit all the longest traffic lights, but a car slows down and stops in front of us for no reason. But its fine. we can just run when we get to the train station. I dash and make it right on time for the train when I hear"the train will be 15 mins late" on the intercom. Mike said this hasn't happened in months. I take a taxi from the station to arundel mills to try and catch it again only to find out it left just as we got there. The silver bus came early.

So now I not only paid the cab 14 dollars but an additonal 20 to have it drop me off at work. Log in at my desk and get ready for work and whats the first call I get? From the people I hate the most complaining about something stupid they should be able to solve them self. And finally as if I needed anything else I look at my pants and discover my fly is completely broken and I can't zip my pants. How has your day been.

If I have to remain positive through all of these irritants I will just be happily grumpy thank you.

Current Mood: irritated
Monday, January 12th, 2009
3:37 pm
The bosses at work are about to full throttle with their own projects which means they expect us to be at the top of our game. Everything sounds good when i'm talking on the phone until I don't know the answer and start to stutter. They are also looking at my asking for rides and are concerned. It hasn't reached the higher ups but Mark (my boss) is worried about it. Oh yeah and did I mention they want us to be savvy with credit cards without training? For those that don't know I handle ACH which is bank transactions and this is entirely new territory. This year is starting off rough work wise. I wish I just had time to have a month off and just handle all my worries. But I'm preaching to the choir saying how hard it is to juggle your job, trying to improve your career, helping loved ones, and keeping your mental and spiritual health in check. I'm taking my paycheck and putting it all on 23 black. :)

Current Mood: distressed
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
11:55 am
Wrapping up the year
How many boulders can fit on my shoulders is not a game i'm a big fan of playing. Never has it been more important to pray every day (which I'm slacking on) and keep focused on all my goals.

Work at my new job, while completely mind numbing, is doing fine. For those that don't know what my company does, (I barely know,) It processes the transfers of money from one bank to another for a merchant. Basically its like your direct deposit from your business and we are the middle men that send it through to your bank. And if you have a problem with anything you talk to yours truly.

Of course the biggest news for those not close is that in 2010 me and Jasmine will be getting married! :D

It is an absolute miracle to me that I am going to achieve this in my life with all my setbacks. There is however some controversy many of you alredy know. Mainly, when I proposed which was last christmas on federal hill. In my efforts to prevent nervous breakdowns in my family I withheld the news until we had more days under our belt. Knowing you want to marry your first love in your first steady relationship within one year comes off pretty scary to most people and while I knew it would hurt them to not know I felt and still do feel it was the best move to make. This whole process has no choice but to move VERY slowly and its difficult when you love somebody so much. So to all those who feel betrayed or stabbed in the back you have my deepest apologies.

Well, that's all I feel like extracting from my head. Tune in next week to hear tales of horror and terror from the howard county bus line.

Current Mood: working
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
5:46 pm
Then a glimmer of hope will light my darkest hour
After being berated by both my parents for missing a job fair, I was pretty depressed. I have been searching for almost a half year with poor results. So today I checked my e-mail seeing my usual Monster.com results and saw a job for comstar. I decided to put a little extra effort into this one and put a cover letter on it.

And then.....at my lowest point when I feel my state of depression will be unending, it happened.

They called me back an hour later at work!

Not only that but the guy said he was intrigued by my resume with its variedness in aquarium and pc experience. I set up an interview tomorrow and lay on the goodness thick. I'm on top of everything......except forgetting to ask him about the pay. :( But god willing if it pays good I have a really good chance of getting it. Its a customer service rep job for a business to business bank.

So everybody pray for me that its legit and pays good and that I do a good interview. Or ask the universe to put things in balance for me here. Or if anything just hope this is it. :D
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
9:16 am
Finding the right destination
The longer I stay at the aquarium the harder it is to do anything else. Sketches that I know are inside me have a hard time being transferred to paper. But I guess as long as I keep coming up with them i'll be fine.

I'm glad to say that nearly all my anger and frustration is now tied down to finding a new job. But on top of my usual debts (which have now risen to a critical level) is the need to find something that I can take with me around the U.S so I can move with Jasmine. She herself has been feeling the aqua crunch but naturally being suma cum laude helps your chances so i'm not worried about her.

I'm glad I typed something in this journal.


p.s keep your "omg! he typed something! comments to yourself :) thank you.

Current Mood: exanimate
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
1:54 am
headache+nausea+depression = Unhappy Rob

Current Mood: depressed
1:48 am
www.imnotbuyingthat.ning.com






Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
12:31 am
Rob has been with Jasmine
 Jasmine has forced me to log in to tell you all that we have been together for one year from this day.  She said if I didn't that she would discipline me with the bat again.


In all seriousness if you had told me my first relationship would be on I would want to last the rest of my life I naturally would not believe you.  She truly has made me the happiest I could possibly be this moment in time.
Friday, December 7th, 2007
2:51 pm
I am very glad I have benefits now cause I will  be using all of it to take a week off to get myself together.  This new job, while not terribly difficult is still stressfull when all the supervisors are all  breathing down your neck.  So lets see.... Oh yeah I need to make a to do list.  Thats what everyone says do if your having trouble prioritizing. Ok fine.

Generate more money.
Look for jobs in cali
Generate more money for  driving lessons.
coordinate with Jasmine, Laurence, and Mike on the move.
ram head into brick wall till at peace.

oh yeah and get over this cold while i have it.  I think its time to get back to work. More on preventing my schitzo trip later.


 
Thursday, September 6th, 2007
1:31 am

*finally he posted something!!!* 


There I got it out the way for everyone.  Now......


I think the main reason I haven't posted in so long is because at this point it just reminds me of what I haven't accomplished.  I'm trying to tackle so much and haven't made good progress at all.  Then I go on this journal and vent it out which when read really just saddens me.  I think now is a good time to go to church with the family (if I can tolerate the unnecessary drama that goes with it).  I keep telling myself this and don't do it.  But I can start praying tonight since i'm going to bed and keep the routine up.



Current Mood: stressed
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
12:43 am
Advice from the past offers solace

That woman couldn't have been more dead on about what roles my friends play in helping me move forward in my life.  Yesterday me and Ben went over some ideas for INBT and 2 tone depth and it brought back reassuring feelings of hope and optimism I really needed that day.  None of you that read this journal know the person i'm talking about but lets just say I met a very wise prophet 3 years ago on my west coast vacation in san diego that gave me advice for a lifetime. It was truely a surreal experience that at the moment I don't have the brain power to type.  But she told me to appreciate and accept the help your friends give you with your career and if I keep trying i'll eventually get to where i'm going.  Which all reminds me I think i'll say my prayers tonight.

Yesterday also marked the two month mark of my relationship with Jasmine but I feel like i've had a connection with her for at least 3.  I am very happy and proud to say this non sci-fi person has passed my only geek barrier which was starwars and I don't have to use emergency narcotics or hypnosis to change her mind. :)

Oh yeah and before I forget let us all give 3 cheers to the best 3 friends money could be extracted from to be given to me by means of poker winnings.  Man Ray, Mike, and Adam thank you for being there to supply me with extra lunch money for my work week. :)

Thursday, April 19th, 2007
12:19 am
Crack open the bank, grab your cash, poker returns.

I am changing the rules and saying money=happiness.  Cause daddy needs a new pair of everything and the starwars trilogy pack with both new and old versions inside has a place in my home. And thats where all you lovely people come in.  And even if it doesn't I can at least take temporary pleasure in the fact that I took sombody's money.  So here's how its going down this time.

No Limit Texas Hold em
04/28/07
Starting time: 9:00 
Ending time:  when people get tired
buy in: $20.00
blinds going up every 30 mins till final 3 when they will go up every 15 mins.

My goal is 9 people so I can break up the pot 1st place $100 2nd $50 3rd $30.  A friend of mine also gave me some suggestions on chip valules and 1-3 winning percentages incase a good number of people show up. 

311 S. Fremont Ave
Baltimore, MD 21230
410-539-1580 (calling me before noon will result in the loss of your mortality) :)


Monday, April 9th, 2007
8:22 pm
And when the smoke clears from the aftermath...
We see Rob swallowing down a third place finish which started strong (I almost took out 2 people in the third hand tripling my stack) but fizzled out quickly afterwords with a severe drought of good cards. But nonetheless it was a success and Mike my roommate won fair and square. (although poker is always easier when you get multiple hands with ace cards in them he still played well). Plus it looks like I'll be able to accomplish my goal of a weekly saturday tournament as word starts to spread. So let people know. Every saturday at 9 battle lines will be drawn, trash talk will be spread, and sombody's going home a little lighter with extra space in their wallet. :D


I can't believe i'll be 28 soon. I do have to say i'm happy with the wisdom I have acquired over the years for its really helped me get what I have despite not being where I want to be right now. I just think to myself if I could just focus it all how powerful I would become. But I feel good i'm trying a lot harder now and should thank my friends and family a lot more for helping me along the way.

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday are going to be party extravaganza's. I gotta set things back up for poker, then sunday I finally get to introduce Jasmine to the family at Outback, and finally on monday Ben wants to take me to eastpoint for lazertag with karaoke at a nearby applebee's to end the day.

All this while trying to get more acting work and not get too eccentric over my feelings for Jasmine.

"And..there coming to take me away HA HA! There coming to take me away HO HO! HEE HEE! HA HA! to the funny farm. where life is beautiful all the time. And i'll be happy to see those nice white men in their clean white coats and there coming to take me away HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" - Napoleon IV
Monday, April 2nd, 2007
11:27 am
Ah yes and I can't forget this is an open invitation to anyone who wants to learn poker.  I'm going to hold a poker tourney/training session at my place this saturday 04/07/07 at 8 p.m. Depending on the ratio of rookies to pro's will determine if money is involved or if we have one period.  If I decide to make it money this is how it will break down. 

Rob's No limit texas hold em nights

10-20$ buy in (depending on number of people) with a 10-20$ buyback matching the price you paid to enter respectively.
top 2 places paid. 1st place wins 60% of pot. 2nd 25%  and 15% goes to the house. (Rob likes paying his BGE :) )
blinds will be on a timed basis going up every 30 mins
when it reaches the final 5 blinds will go up when someone is eliminated.

Now I have poker chips but if you want just play casino style I'll set a dollar value to each chip and match you to however much you want to play with. You can "cash out" whenever you like.   I will probably close house at 4 for people that work tomorrow and need their cycle.
If mostly new people show up or barely anyone at all It will just be a tutorial with play tourney matches.  My main goal out of this is to get people to love poker the way I do and hopfully if all goes well I will make this a weekly event.  But in the end its all up to you guys to tell me how you want things to go.  Most of you that know me know I just love good competition and players around me all having fun together. 


9:52 am

Like universal clockwork I feel very driven now more than ever to become the person I was meant to be.  April always brings it back.  Of course it helps when positive things occur to be high spirited.  But at the same time I look back at all the negativity I can generate by trying to figure out excueses as to why I shouldn't feel good.  And you can ALWAYS find a reason if you try hard enough.  But when I woke up this morning I did something I should have done from jump.  Give myself full credit for the position i'm in right now.  I have a wonderful girlfriend and I finally finished that freakin movie the director kept pushing back multiple times.

Which all reminds me to keep this ball moving foward as long and far as possible.  I want to finish either one of my sketches or the poem I have saved on here in locked status at the moment today.

Friday, March 30th, 2007
9:40 pm
Nothing fucks your day up more than losing your work/house keys at the end of the day when barely anyone is in the building, with lots of staff members around, and your name on it and it STILL gets fucking lost without turning up.  WHAT THE HELL!?!


p.s yes I retraced my steps, checked security, stroller check, and custodial.

Current Mood: pissed off
Monday, March 26th, 2007
12:19 pm
Sit in the corner - by Robert Matthews

Its very easy to shoot yourself in the foot when do stupid things and don't take your own advice.  Things you know will get you into trouble but you do them anyway.  And like many other areas of my life I have continued this pattern into my new relationship field now.  

"Ok Robert now what have we learned from our stupidity?  I want you to go to the chalkboard and write it down 200 times and maybe it will stick this time."

I will not help people that don't deserve it.  I will not help people that don't actually want it.


"Very good Robert.  Now I want you to go write an essay on why you shouldn't help selfish people."

Aww but I don't want to

"DO IT! Obviously you can't remember important things and just for that backtalk you have to read it in front of the class!"

Ok.  

                                                                                          Why you shouldn't help selfish people

I have ignored the warning signs of people in the past who have had hatred towards themselves and befriended them because I try to become friends with everyone and help them at the same time because I feel sorry for them.  I have done this with ulysses, adrianna,  and now rachel.     These people however are too wound up within themselves to actually hear what you have to say and just wind up in the same position after you talk to them.  And all you get in return is either their brooding of self pity or bad carma from thier anger at whatever they feel the world has done to them to wrong them.  

By doing such things you can put a damper on yourself and your friends.  A good example of this is my relationship with Jasmine.  Rachel was having problems with her ex-boyfriend.  I tried to help this person by listening and  giving good advice.  Then after this I see it did no good because its not soaking in.  .  This then bothers me and my wheels spin in my head on how I can solve thier problem. Not realizing nothing will change in her life because she is not looking for answers or help, just your pity. Now that my mind is so wound up in people that are unknowingly just using you you mix their name up with your girlfriends.  Now my girlfriend doesn't trust me as much as she did because she thinks she comes second to the other girl.  I hope I never make this mistake again.      THE END

"Very good Rob.  Now I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you did.  Maybe that will teach you next time to cause trouble to yourself and other people"

Yes Ms. McGuilicutty 



Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
10:42 pm

Writers block sucks..........really.........really bad.  This is horrible.  I'm hoping my family is right and spring will give me the boost I need to turn things around.

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